Finding The Feminine

Young women today do not have a relevant blueprint on what it means to be feminine. They have been raised either by Baby Boomers or Generation X's and those women gave up their femininity in pursuit of their masculine selves. They entered into the world of men and thought that to be successful in that world they would have to forsake their feminine aspect.

They were wrong. But they did not know that at the time. They themselves did not have a workable blueprint on how to be successful in their work lives without damaging their personal world. They too were feeling their way into a very new way of being that was set to disrupt not only the status quo for women but also for men.

Women are missing the connection with this essential part of themselves. They realize there is a disconnect. The problem is how do they reconnect with this deep and unknowable part of who they are?

To find your feminine does not mean that you have to relinquish all the wonderful masculine traits that you have developed. These abilities are hard won for many women. But the return to the feminine in a healthy way without manipulation is a task in itself, and one that will require patience.

Patience is a feminine trait. It requires letting go and the ability to wait.

See the reconnection with your feminine aspect as a journey - one that you will take at a leisurely pace that will allow you to 'feel' not only others but yourself. Feel those deep feelings that you have ignored and dismissed for as long as you can remember.


The Art of Being

The first step forward is to master the state of being.

The state of 'being' is hard to define. This is a challenge for modern women. They are time poor. They are committed for most of their waking hours. Even so time has to be found for this important step in the process of reconnection.

The state of being has to be relearned to reignite your feminine self.

Here is an exercise to start the process of reconnection with your feminine through the state of being.


Meditation: Reconnection With the Feminine Self:


1. Sit in a quiet spot where you will not be disturbed for at least 10 minutes

2. Sit with your back upright, your feet together on the floor

3. Gently close your eyes and start to breathe consciously in through your nose, out through your mouth

4. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Acknowledge them and let them go

5. When a thought persist - breathe through it and let it go

6. Remind yourself you have nowhere to go and nothing to do through this process - breathe

7. Now imagine your feminine energy. What does it 'feel' like? Is it chaotic? Is it deep? Is it soft?

8. And go back to your breath - focus on your breath

9. On the next in breath imagine the chaos of thoughts and things you need to 'do' and on the out breath let them all go

10. Keep doing this till your mind calms down and you are only conscious of your breath

11. Keep going for 10 minutes


Find ten minutes every day to do this exercise. Then build it up to ten minutes twice a day until you have a new habit of taking just twenty minutes a day just for you and your feminine self. Reconnect and reignite your birthright.

ASK JEN

Dear Jen,
I'd like to ask you a relationship question if I may. I feel a little lost as to what to do and I can't help but feel I've caused this problem myself somehow. 
When my partner and I go out for dinner, I feel a certain responsibility to offer to pay at least half of our bill. I feel guilty if I don't at least offer. We both have decent jobs and money is not an issue. So it's not that he can't afford to pay for me. 
Is it that he wants me to pay my way? Or am I putting out the vibe that I can pay my own way? A friend of mine has suggested that I am sending "I'm self-sufficient" vibe.
Truth is I would like him to pay and take the lead. What I'd really like is for him to say... "put your wallet away, I've got this."
Where am I going wrong?
Phillipa Ballantyne - Sydney

Phillipa this is a very good question and one that many young women face in their relationships. I think the problem is multifactorial and you should not blame yourself or even your partner. The world has turned upside down when it comes to relationship etiquette. No-one is absolutely clear on what the correct way to proceed is when it comes to money. In fairness to men, they can be seen as patronising by some heavily Andro women if they pay the bills. They can be viewed as mean if they don't pay the bills by other more feminine oriented women.

From a man's point of view, especially young men, women are equal and so they get to share the bills equally even when you are out to dinner. And this is where couples run into trouble.

We have progressed so far down the road of gender neutrality that there does not seem to be any difference between men and women any more. That is the problem - we are equal but we are definitely different. And it is within that difference that these types issues cause pain and heartache. 

Many women, who know they are equal and are quite independent would still like to feel the 'dance' of courtship. The wonderful feeling of being cherished and cared for. They long for things not to be too 'basic' like paying your share of the bill when out on a date.There is nothing romantic about that for most women. But in truth many women have lost the art of romantic behaviour, with the inevitable loss of their feminine selves.With women's equality and independence, unfortunately there have been sacrifices along the way. And in that process many men have lost their masculinity. 

In my opinion the issue of money is also tied up around a person's personal belief systems around the subject. In my experience this is complex area and the way someone's family views money will definitely have an effect on how they handle financial issues and situations.

If their families were 'tight' with money then the odds are they are going to be a little frugal and make sure that they get value for money where ever they go. That includes making sure that everyone pays their share.

If you are unhappy with 'the commercial arrangement' that has developed between you and your partner, it might be time for you to evaluate how you want the money issue to be handled in the relationship. Perhaps when you are on 'dates' he definitely pays so that you feel you can relax into your feminine and leave your wallet at home. If you are able to reconnect with your feminine in relation to your partner, he benefits too. He gets to have a beautiful, caring and relaxed woman by his side.

You might surprise him and pay for Saturday afternoon lunch. You might have agreements on things that you share, like household bills (not sure if you live together). If there is not a shortage of money you are in a very good position to sort this out in a logical and kind way. He might not have any idea that you are unhappy with the current state of affairs.

It is also important for you to evaluate your own 'energy' around money. What are your belief systems? It is really important subject and best to clarify how you operate around money and how you want to proceed with the finances in your relationship.

ASK JEN

Can being out of your feminine result in health problems?
Sandy - Newcastle


Good question. It has been my observation that certain types of women are more prone to health issues when they are disconnected from their feminine aspect. When they are disconnected they don't seem to have a STOP button. They tend to override the messages that their feminine side sends them. They do not give themselves enough time to relax and go within. They over work and over do everything. That could even mean over partying for younger women. Over doing things in your external world with flagrant disregard to the messages that your feminine aspect is trying to alert you to can definitely lead to health issues. Many masculine oriented women are often fatigued just because they 'do' too much. When the feminine is disregarded and women operate solely out of their masculine side there is no balance within that woman. Balance is always key to our health, both within our energetic bodies as well as our physical bodies.

HOW TO AUDIT YOUR THOUGHTS

I realize that it is all find and well to say to someone 'watch your thoughts' but that is actually easier said than done. So many thoughts fly through our minds every minute that it is hard to catch a glimpse of one when the next one is already there.

My suggestion is to start a 'Thought Audit.'

To be successful at this process it is going to require a level of commitment on your part. Dedicate some time every day on your 'thought project.' Your masculine side will enjoy giving the project a framework, while you get a glimpse of your unruly and often chaotic feminine side. A good exercise for balancing your internal genders.

1. Create a 'Thought Audit Journal.'
2. Spend 10-15 minutes every day with the intent to watch your thoughts as a type of meditation process.
3. Not thinking is virtually impossible. But now you have the opportunity to capture the most dominant thoughts that come up during this time. Write them down in your Thought Journal.
4. After a week you might find a few thought patterns have become evident, or one thought is always present, or there might be a fleeting thoughts that just come and go, but they have a theme.
5. Don't try to stop or worse, try and justify your thoughts. Don't try and make them better or different. Give them an opportunity to reveal themselves to you. Watch them and acknowledge them. They deserve to be noticed. They are part of you and you deserve to be noticed.


"A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts." James Allen

Watch Your Thoughts

To find the feminine that is true for you, you have to understand who you are first. To be conscious of who you are you have to be aware of what you think.

Most of us are not aware of what we are thinking on a minute to minute basis. In other words we are not present. Most importantly we are not present to ourselves. We can get lost in our thinking trying to find the feminine.To find the feminine you cannot think it. You have to 'be' it. 

Over thinking things and then not even being aware of what you are thinking is a trap. We are all prisoners of what we think.

The feminine requires a presence to Self. The art of 'being' rather than doing. When we are present there is little to think about. When we give up ruminating over things, we free ourselves from limitation. 


"The mind is everything.
What you think you become."
Buddha

ASK JEN

Why do women stay in relationships longer than they should when they are unhappy?
Michelle - Melbourne

There are many reasons why women do not leave unhappy relationships. Fear is the basis in many cases. Fear of being alone, fear of not finding someone else to love. Fear of being ostracized from friendship groups. Fear of being financially disadvantaged. But the most potent reason I have observed is that they do not value themselves enough. When you have a strong connection with your feminine you are in a better position to value yourself. When your energies are balanced you tend to be more balanced as a person and it is easier to believe in yourself. Then you are able to make better decisions for your longterm good.


Can women be successful at work and be connected to their feminine?
Jane - Sydney

Women who remain well grounded within their feminine aspect and balanced through their masculine can be very successful at work. These women are the beacons of light that every company is looking for. They bring their feminine aspect to the workplace and that means they bring the ability to find different levels of solutions to problems. They bring compassion and empathy making their working environment a much kinder and richer place. Connection with their feminine selves gives them another dimension to tap into. They bring the powerful gift of their feminine to their colleagues. Using their feminine in balance with their masculine has the potential to make this woman more successful, not less successful. We need more balanced women like this in the workplace.

The Question of Control

She says, " I don't want you to do that"

He says, "Really, I didn't realize I had to do what you want"

• The question of control cuts both ways. A graceful woman lets go of control. She is safe within her feminine. Her biggest ally is her 'internal NO button.'

The new feminine woman has no need to control anyone and she definitely does not allow anyone to control her either. Control can be subtle but it is always limiting. The new feminine woman is always striving to be bigger than her limited self.

The task for the graceful woman is to create a sanctuary within her feminine self.Within that sanctuary she is safe and strong. She has her 'internal NO button' firmly housed within her feminine. It gives her direction. The more she allows herself to commune with herself the stronger she grows internally. When she feels she is being controlled her answer is NO. When she knows she is being manipulated, her answer is NO. When others around her do not meet their obligations and responsibilities to her, her answer is NO. No is her friend and ally. Her protector. When her NO button is pressed by her feminine self, her masculine side can move forward with confidence and protect her through her actions in the external world. She has direction and confidence grounded in what is right for her and not those who seek to control her.